Friday, February 17, 2006 | Parentally Incorrect

Usually, my columns are addressed to people, who either have kids, had kids, want kids, or want to feel good about never having kids. But this one is different. It’s addressed specifically to the fine men and women who run nursery schools in San Diego County.

Feel free to read and have no fear, the regularly scheduled column will return next week.

Dear Nursery School Owner or Operator:

My name is David Moye and I’m the proud father of a beautiful, intelligent girl named Alexandra Kathleen Moye. Alexandra turns 3 on April 9 and when my wife and I aren’t busy looking at preschools, we’re tearing out our hair (she has more than me) figuring out how to pay for it.

Here’s where you come in. We are expecting a bouncing baby boy around March 17 (give or take a week or so). We are planning to name him Owen, but still haven’t figured out his middle name.

However, we are perfectly willing to offer the naming rights to our son’s middle name to any qualified preschool willing to enroll Alex and Owen for free.

Just think: Owen Frances W. Parker Moye. Has a nice ring to it, eh? And you’re not getting just some dumb child. Alex is potty-trained and extremely advanced for her age. Ask her grandmother. Best of all, she knows how to share better than the average two-and-three-quarter-year old.

The point is, you’re not just getting a charity case. Unless of course you want one – we can adapt.

I promise Alex will be a wonderful addition to any nursery school and I’m confident Owen will also be a credit to his parents’ socio-economic level as well.

In order to ensure you, the wonderful nursery school owner or operator, get full value for the naming rights, I will make sure to mention the full name of my bouncing baby in my weekly columns.

For example, “It was only as I was holding Owen College Park Preschool that I realized the importance of family,” or “Later that day, I took Alex and Owen School for the Madeleine to the library.”

I will also do my best to raise my parenting skills to a level befitting your fine institution by reading to the kids (something besides my beloved Archie comics) and drastically curtailing their intake of fast food and sugary snacks.

Plus, I will no longer let Alex stay up late to watch Law & Order reruns with me.

Mr. or Mrs. Nursery School Owner or Operator: This is a very valuable opportunity considering that VoiceofSanDiego.org not only reaches San Diego’s movers and shakers but also the people who are shaking down the movers and shakers; the folks shaking their fists at the movers and shakers; those who’ve been forced to move by the movers and shakers and of course, those who would move if they could only stop shaking.

That’s quite a demographic reach, don’t you agree? And each week, those people would be reading the hilarious yet poignant tales about Alex and Owen La Petite Academy at VoiceofSanDiego.org and all the valuable lessons they learned at [Insert name of preschool here].

As a journalist with 15 years of media experience, I can assure you that there are lots of media types who would love to report on this brilliant, if slightly tacky, concept. That’s billions of pesos in free advertising right there.

There are some caveats: In exchange for the valuable naming rights to my son’s middle name, you must enroll both Alex and Owen as students and keep them until they’re old enough to go to kindergarten at what will most likely be a (ugh) public school.

Also: You actually have to be a real school, not some nice cat lady with a bunch of playground equipment in her backyard. And, yes, I will be checking references.

The naming rights will only last until Owen is six because I don’t want him teased on the playground and because, frankly, I’m sure I will need to try this same scheme for something else – like braces.

Hey, Qualcomm only signed on for 20 years with the stadium, so there is a precedent here.

As you can see, I appreciate the value of an education. More important: As a native San Diegan whose roots go back five generations, I appreciate sweetheart deals and blatant favoritism. So even though I’m part of the middle class, aren’t my kids just as deserving of the same special treatment as the kids whose parents can actually afford to send them to nursery school?

Think about it. It might be good for some of your wealthier students to be around kids who are smart and creative but don’t have all that nasty baggage that wealth brings, such as whether to visit Vail or Lanai on the President’s Day weekend.

Whaddya say? Wanna make a deal?

David Moye is a La Mesa-based writer who attended Charley Brown Preschool as a four-year-old. Direct all questions and comments to

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