Table-Turning

In the current issue of CityBeat, I linked this past Sunday’s “60 Minutes” and a Sept. 24 editorial in The San Diego Union-Tribune. In my editor’s note, I also wrote about Ryan McPherson, the colossal piece of #&%@ whose contribution to humanity was “Bum Fights,” and who was interviewed on “60 Minutes.”

Watching McPherson shrug off questions about how he might be contributing to violence against vulnerable homeless people, I became increasingly pissed off. I’d like to personally put him through the punishment he inflicted on the “stars” of his video. But the law says I’m not allowed to do that. It’s called “assault and battery,” and the penal code frowns upon it. So I need to come up with an alternative plan to turn the tables on this icky individual.

I’ll give you an idea what I’m talking about: Back in 2002, the Portland (Ore.) Police Department rummaged through the garbage of a female cop, who was under investigation on suspicion of drug activities, in search of evidence. The mayor and the police chief of Portland and the Multnomah County district attorney all considered that fair game, reasoning that once one’s refuse reaches the curb, it becomes public property – one man’s trash is every man’s trash, so to speak.

Well, the clever editors and reporters at Willamette Week, one of the best alternative weeklies in the country, wondered: How would they like it if someone went through their garbage? So, that’s just what they did. In the dark of night, they pilfered the bigwigs’ waste and reported what they found to the public. Awesome. Here’s their story.

I recalled that story while watching “60 Minutes,” and I immediately started trying dream up similar ways to inflict emotional pain and embarrassment on Ryan McJackass. I could sift through his trash, but that’s not very creative. Let me know if you have any ideas.

– DAVID ROLLAND