Oooh, snap!

The year 2015 produced poignant statements, laugh lines and snippy remarks by — and about — San Diegans. We’ve compiled memorable quotes about assertive reptiles, workplace swingers, full-frontal academics and more.

Diagnosis: Water on the Brain

“We’re being overly penalized, and we’re certainly being overly scrutinized by the world. … What are we supposed to do, just have dirt around our house on four acres?” — Rancho Santa Fe resident Gay Butler to The Washington Post.

People “should not be forced to live on property with brown lawns, golf on brown courses or apologize for wanting their gardens to be beautiful … we’re not all equal when it comes to water.” — Conservative talk show host Steve Yuhas, another Rancho Santa Fe resident, in comments on social media and to The Washington Post.

Let them drink cake!

• “We’re not saying, ‘Solve the drought, put in a pool,’ but the bottom line is people who put in a pool are making a decision to do something more water efficient with their backyard. They’re saving water. Pools are landscaping.” — John Norwood, the California Pool and Spa Association’s president, to the AP.

With this kind of forward-thinking, it’s hard to imagine how we got into a drought in the first place.

• “I’d cast aside the sybaritic lifestyle of Rome and embrace the martial ethos of Sparta. I’d say farewell to my life as a warmduscher (German for “warm showerer,” a term of contempt akin to “pansy”). After just one day of primal screaming in the shower, I can confirm that it’s not easy going cold naked turkey for 30 seconds.” — U-T columnist Logan Jenkins on taking a quick, frigid shower to save water.

No one will need a cold shower after reading this.

Policing Under the Microscope

• “You are the speaker of the Assembly. I’m the chair of the state budget committee. We got juice. How do we use this juice? How do we try to intervene on behalf of our communities to make a difference? That became part of the driving factor. I looked around and I realized that these young people are around here protesting and marching, and they need to have someone say, ‘We hear you and we’re going to deal with this.’” — Assemblywoman Shirley Weber, on her motivation for introducing several measures aimed at police accountability.

• “There is no racial profiling. There just isn’t.” — Lt. Steve James, president of the Long Beach Police Officers Association, to the Los Angeles Times in response to Assemblywoman Shirley Weber’s bill requiring police to document and make public the race of people they stop.

• “I think it is important for people to know that he was a human being. Like me. Like you. Like anyone else. He deserved to live. Just because he had a mental illness didn’t make him any less deserving of a life. He is a person. He had family. He was loved.” — Benazeer Roshan on her brother, Fridoon Rawshan Nehad, who was shot and killed by a San Diego police officer in April.

• “I am concerned that the release of evidence will inflame violent or unstable elements, leading to threats and violence in San Diego, and particularly against Officer Browder and his family.” — Police Chief Shelley Zimmerman, in a brief arguing that surveillance video of the shooting of Nehad should not be released to the public.

Way Harsh

Lamont Jackson is the henchman that was too interested in wanting to build his fucking career.” — Former San Diego principal Mitzi Lizarraga to VOSD on a district official. She’s now principal of an arts school in L.A.

“They’ve ruffled some feathers. What I’m hearing from my constituents is they’re uncomfortable with the way El Cajon is changing. When they see this new ethnic group coming in and trying to take over, they have problems voting that in.” — El Cajon Mayor Bill Wells, on the city’s Iraqi Christian community. Wells quickly clarified his remarks.

“It’s very similar to personally taking all three of my daughters to a tattoo parlor and having them completely body tattooed.” — Coronado resident Darby Monger to KPBS on a proposal to install more bike lanes.

I Snark, You Snark, We All Snark

“It kinda looks like one of those poker-playing dogs.” — Sports blog Deadspin on a weird portrait at the Padres offices of Bud Selig, the ex-baseball commissioner. The portrait depicts him sitting in front of empty seats at the ballpark.

“The artist should be commended for the lifelikeness of the crowds at Petco.” — A Deadspin commenter in response to the post about the Selig portrait.

The Naked, if Scaly, Truth

• “For 11 years, all the students have voted that they’d rather not have me sitting around clothed while they do that particular gesture.” — UCSD professor Ricardo Dominguez, who drops trou along with his class during an optional nude assignment, to the U-T.

Yeah, wouldn’t want the professor to appear creepy or anything.

“I thought my eyes were deceiving me. But as soon I saw the flicker of its tongue, I definitely knew that it was in fact a large snake heading straight towards me.” — Stephanie Lacsa, who discovered a boa constrictor in the office toilet.

As if we don’t have enough forked tongues downtown already.

• “The parties take place while their kids are watching a movie in their rooms. Kids are told that mom and dad are working on a project with the other couples and not to disturb them nor knock on the bedroom door for at least an hour.” — An internal complaint against a local Border Patrol supervisor accused of holding swinger parties with co-workers.

“Working on a project”? So that’s what they’re calling it these days.

Here a Potty-Mouth, There a Potty-Mouth

“Fabiani went ape shit when he saw the first draft.” — An anonymous source to CityBeat about Chargers spokesman Mark Fabiani’s reaction to a secret football stadium report.

No shit, Sherlock — when you guys convolute the whole issue!” — Grossmont school board member Priscilla Schreiber to VOSD on district staff’s alleged refusal to answer a “convoluted question.”

A little shit.” — HBO’s Bill Maher on a San Diego State student who dared criticize Jerry Seinfeld over a comment about political correctness.

“It could be a bloodbath. I’m hoping it’s not. We don’t need that shit.” — Labor leader Mickey Kasparian to CityBeat on the prospect of a race for a state Senate seat between incumbent legislators Marty Block and Toni Atkins.

Department of Too Much Information

“We only wish we had ‘scratch-and-sniff’ technology to share our pain with our elected officials.” — The La Jolla Light newspaper on the debut of its “Cove Stench Calendar.”

Whatever you do, don’t itch that scratch.

“Go to Chris’s house for voucher.” “Shop lift.” “Kiss Mom n tell her she’s loved.” — Items on the to-do list of an alleged shoplifter.

New to-do list: Ask Mom to bake file in cake.

• “My iguana, Paco, is about 8 years old and, until recently, was a great pet. Now his personality has changed. Some days he likes me, and others he chases me aggressively, or acts like he’s never seen me before. What I should do?” — “C.C of San Diego” in a query to a pet column.

Move.

• “I’ve got a problem. Everything I have is a bat. All my tractors have bats; my trucks, bats. Socks, underwear, you name it. I’m bat.” — Chris Banner, a Valley Center resident who patrols his town in a faux Batmobile, dressed as Batman.

Well, he’s bat-something, that’s for sure.

Randy Dotinga

Randy Dotinga is a freelance contributor to Voice of San Diego. Please contact him directly at randydotinga@gmail.com...

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