Dipsey’s Free Advice and Worth Every Penny of It

Friday, March 04, 2005 | I’m telling ya folks this world is a baffling place. There I was, on The Hudson and Bauer show, sailing along giving all sorts of advice on how things should be run when someone threw me back in the dumpster and slammed the lid shut!

That didn’t stop me from giving out advice of course. Ted Leitner dropped by every year or so for marriage counseling. He has since had a successful marriage, in fact about a half dozen of them, all thanks to me. I also gave him some tips on how to get a guaranteed lifetime contract out of KFMB.

Susan Golding wanted to run for a high federal office after she left the mayor’s office. Her Honor asked me for advice. I told her, “Susan, my dear, two things you can be sure of. First is that the folks in this city will forgive anything as long as you keep the Chargers. Whatever those folks want, give it to them.”

“But, what about the cost,” she asked?

“Hey, no problem,” I answered. “A Superior Court Judge told me that a city can always borrow as much money as it wants. Nobody checks on stuff like that. I think the judge’s name is Murphy.”

I haven’t heard from Susan lately. I’m sure she’s doing fine, probably a senator or something. Not sure what happened to the judge either. Most likely he’s happy as can be though. He sure knew a lot of things, especially about what was and what was not legal and stuff like that.

One of my special friends, and possibly a kindred spirit, was Captain Sticky. When the captain pulled up alongside my plain old dumpster with his bubble-topped Lincoln topped with flags and flashing lights that he called his Stickymobile, folks paid attention.

It wasn’t easy fitting the Sticky into the dumpster because he was correctly described as massive in girth and flamboyant in personality. My friend wore a Superman-style costume. He proudly played the role of one of America’s wackiest watchdogs.

The captain had a flair for all sorts of fun flitting about fighting evil and corruption wherever he found it. He took on scam artists of all sorts. Car rental agencies had to be on their toes. Nursing homes had to take care they really took care of their patients. He came on like crazy and solved most of his problems just by calling attention to them. Not that it was hard with all the attention he drew to himself.

Alas, the gallant captain isn’t with us any more, but his spirit lives on. He told me he sold all his rights to buffoonery to an up-and-coming lawyer before he retired.

“Who would that be,” I asked?

“Some guy named Aguirre. The last bit of advice I gave him was ‘Once you get Paul Pfingst out of the way, you won’t have to worry about nothing.’ ”

Then the gallant captain roared out of sight.

Dipsey claims to live in a dumpster down in Horton Plaza. He also writes under the pseudonym of Keith Taylor. He can be reached at