Wednesday, June 15, 2005 | I am dedicating this article to all who belong to the party that represents purity and honesty. It isn’t hard to figure out which one that is. We were reminded of it so often during the last few elections.

First, I want to congratulate Rep. Duke Cunningham on his candid and forthright reply to the suggestion that he made an inordinate profit on a home he sold to a contractor. The contractor just happened to be one who profited greatly from jobs said to have been thrown his way by our local congressman who was on the Defense Appropriations Subcommittee.

To the charges, Duke immediately replied, “I never smoked marijuana.”

Next I want to be nice to another local congressman, Rep. Duncan Hunter. Hunter stood up to the “fiction of abuse” about our treatment of prisoners at Guantánamo Bay in Cuba. Gitmo, as we old sailors like to call it, is where some 540 Afghan prisoners have been held. Some of them have been there for as long as three years without being charged.

I say it’s a big bit of folderol about nothing. And, like LIMBAWWW this morning, I thank heavens those bad guys are being held in Cuba where that annoying document, the Constitution of the United States of America, has no effect. And thank heavens also for another in the party of purity, our new Attorney General, who also tells us that our country, representing freedom and compassion as it does, is above the quaint provisions of the Geneva Conventions.

Soon we will have no need for written documents at all. The President is already showing the way by ignoring newspapers and other printed matter with the exception of My Pet Goat.

But the fiction of abuse is running wild in the party of immorality and dishonesty. Look at what Joe Biden, (Evil Party, Del.) had to say, “This, (the Gitmo mess) has become the greatest propaganda tool that exists for recruiting of terrorists around the world . . . “

Biden’s umbrage was echoed by another instrument of the devil, Amnesty International. It issued a report that said Gitmo was “the gulag of our time.”

That was refuted by our Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, who said it was, “reprehensible.”

William F. Schulz, executive director of Amnesty International, backed off a bit when he commented he “didn’t know for sure if Rumsfeld was a high-level architect of torture.” I’m glad a liberal could be so conciliatory.

But our local congressman to the rescue! Hunter relied on honesty that sounded much like the honesty the White House used to report all those weapons of mass destruction, aluminum tubes, mobile factories to create biological weapons, yellow cake uranium, et al. Hunter put everything in perspective by . . .

. . . reading a menu!

Yes, those prisoners down there were as happy as the slaves used to be under the kindly care of their white masters in Mississippi before the pesky liberals (Republicans in those days) made the masters turn the slaves free.

“Why,” Hunter said. “The inmates have never eaten better, they’ve never been treated better and they’ve never been more comfortable in their lives.”

Golly, I didn’t get that sort of treatment when I was in Gitmo all those times. Wonder how a fellow can get into that prison? Uh, wait a minute. That may not be the sort of question a fellow should ask with the new freedoms being offered under the latest proposed version of the Patriotic Act.

Anyhow, one thing that I’m sure both Biden and Hunter can agree on is that we can now have an independent commission to investigate charges of abuse. With our national magnanimity, what’s to hide? Perhaps we can get the recipe for that glazed chicken our Congressman told us we’re feeding the prisoners.

Dipsey also writes under his pseudonym Keith Taylor. Both can be reached at

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