Friday, April 01, 2005 | When I saw it in San Diego’s other major publication, I figured it was an early April Fools’ joke. All those bigwigs were shown holding a news conference down by the border. But you have to take these guys seriously, their being our legislators and all.

Following the dictum of “the best government is local government,” four local congress members, one from the northern part of the city, one from Escondido, one from Orange County and one fellow from a place called Wisconsin stopped by to celebrate a recent resolution they’d pushed through congress.

Reps. Duncan Hunter, Randy “Duke” Cunningham, Ed Royce, and F. James Sensenbrenner Jr., all members of the party of law and order, were strong backers of a resolution encouraging the Homeland Security folks to waive all laws, including federal and state environmental protections, in order to finish a 14-mile stretch of fence along the border. This includes Smuggler’s Gulch, called an environmentally sensitive area by those pesky tree-hugging environmental wackos, as “Limbawwww” loves to call them.

Well that was then. We’re looking ahead at the future here. We won’t have to worry about Smuggler’s Gulch or the critters that may be threatened by its destruction much longer. What the hell, those critters don’t vote.

Neither do those spectators pictured looking over the fence from that foreign country south of us. You can be sure they had been waiting for a chance to head to the land of the free, but I wonder if they might want to reconsider after hearing that bit about a bureaucrat being able to “waive all laws.”

In any case, if any illegal guys come across henceforth it’ll be the wealthier ones, the guys with cars. Smuggler’s Gulch figures to be filled in and paved over.

I don’t know all I should about all this, so I called my friend and former congressman of 18 years, Lionel Van Deerlin. My friend told me that it would probably sail right through the Senate. Then the President would sign it without a hitch. He said it was the sort of thing the President probably wouldn’t even read.

I wanted to ask what sort of thing he did read, but didn’t because I have no idea of Van’s politics.

All this and two other local folks didn’t make the conference. The two House members, Bob Filner and Susan Davis, whose districts include the very border in question, actually voted against it. I wonder how that can be?

Oh, and that picture in the paper of those four guys. I noticed they all had their hands folded over their crotches.

I think I’ll do that if I get near them.

Dipsey Dumpster, also known as Keith Taylor, can be reached at

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