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Tuesday, February 06, 2007 | Correction (Friday, June 17, 2005)
A new version of an old scientific joke.
The National Institute of Science in La Jolla announced today that it has confirmed the discovery of the heaviest element in the periodic table. This new element has been assigned the name Governmentium (Gv).
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic weight of 312.
These 312 neutrons are held together by as yet undefined forces called morons (Mo). It is only known that these morons are closely surrounded by vast and varying numbers of lepton-like particles called peons (Pe). Since Governmentium is devoid of electrons, it is inert to all extent and purposes. Governmentium can be indirectly detected, however by the fact that its very presence, even in minute quantity, is usually sufficient to inhibit each and every reaction with which it comes in contact. Early laboratory tests have already shown that a very small amount of Governmentium is able to slow down a reaction to take more than four days that is usually completed in less than one second.
When catalyzed by a varying concentration of money, Governmentium is rapidly converted into Administratium, an element that radiates as much energy as Governmentium, although it has only half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Dr. Elie A. Shneour, a native of France and WWII U.S. veteran, is president of Biosystems Institutes, Inc. and Research Director of Biosystems Research Institute of San Diego, with divisions near Paris and Osaka, Japan.