Wednesday, Aug. 9, 2006 | Methinks the story of why San Diego cops are beating a path for Chula Vista has it all wrong. It isn’t the pay. It’s the benefits. Take the Chula Vista cop who got his usual pay, plus at least $100 in expenses, to get a half hour massage plus sex. Benefits like that can’t be touched. Or is that an inapt metaphor in this case?

The story as reported by the South Bay edition of the other San Diego daily – story – didn’t say what sort of sex act the constable enjoyed. At least one supposes he enjoyed it. One a scale of one to 10, the worst I ever had was wonderful.

Audio tapes may provide a clue of what actually happened if we can get hold of them. The article stated that the whole action was recorded by other cops sitting (maybe squirming) in a nearby police car. I bet that tape has been passed around the squad room a number of times by now.

Me? I’m eagerly looking for it to show up on the Internet. I figure it’ll be as interesting as watching Paris Hilton for the 10 thousandth time. Not that I ever saw that tape of course. As one of my critics pointed out after my last story, I am old. He didn’t say I was also dirty, no matter how many times I claim to not have seen Paris Hilton.

The cop’s adventure was for a noble cause. Apparently, some unnamed ignoble citizen had visited an establishment whose online ad promised “Acupressure, Swedish and Shiatsu massages. Table shampoo, steam sauna and Jacuzzi available.” With all that, one wonders what it would take to satisfy the fellow. In any case, the anonymous dude tipped off the cops that awful things were going on in the place and it wasn’t a customer being rubbed the wrong way.

I’ve always been a huge fan of police and action movies of all sorts. That scene where the old sarge tells the assembled men about a dangerous mission gets me every time. “Awright men, everybody who wants to volunteer to visit the massage parlor take one step forward.” It must have been a stampede when that announcement was made at the Chula Vista station.

Of course one has to figure there might be a danger in any undercover operation where a fellow allows his most delicate parts to be handled by a masseuse – Swedish, Shiatsu, or otherwise. The other San Diego daily didn’t say if the lucky undercover dude suffered any ill effects from his assignment. I’m guessing not unless his wife read the paper.

Last October he paid 50 bucks for a massage from a 62-year-old masseuse, then repeatedly requested “something more.” I suspect she couldn’t hear him very well. Stymied in his quest, he complained to another masseuse, this one a sprightly 48-year-old.

Another 50 bucks, and it was back on the massage table where it happened. Or so says the staid Union-Trib.

All that and the city didn’t get a conviction! County Deputy DA, David Grapilon, said, “A decision was made to dismiss the case because we didn’t feel we could prove it beyond a reasonable doubt.” Probably static on the tape.

Well, I think it’s reasonable to doubt that the city will get out of it for a mere 100 bucks. The owner is suing for $60,000 for loss of business. This because even though Judge Yuri Hoffman ordered Chula Vista to reinstate the license, it has not done so two months after his decision.

Mike Aguirre must be wondering why the county attorneys get all the interesting cases. I’m also betting the owner of the massage parlor, herself a 68-year-old, will open soon and we’ll see a big advertisement, “Open Five A.M. For Early Risers!”

Things work more reliably for men in her age bracket at that time of day.

Keith Taylor is program chair for the San Diego Association for Rational Inquiry. He can be reached at Or, send a letter to the editor.

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